Tag: introvert

The Six Stages of Accepting You’re an Introvert

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There’s a good chance you are familiar with the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle, more commonly known as the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

As I was thinking about today’s post, I was thinking about my journey from actively denying my introversion and trying to act like an extrovert to acceptance and even celebration of my personality type.

Why did I deny my type and try to wear the ill-fitting mask of an extrovert? I thought that was the ideal type to be a leader in the church. Because there were few examples of effective introverted church leaders, certainly none that I knew personally and could talk to. Because the majority of the job postings I saw for pastors drew a picture of a gregarious, outgoing, charismatic, endlessly energetic foyer warrior, and I was certainly not him. Because our culture has a long-standing bias toward extroverted leadership, in fact, extroverts in general. In her book, Quiet, Susan Cain calls this the “extrovert ideal.”

So, today I present to you the Smith’s Introverted Acceptance Cycle, the six stages of loving your introverted self.

Stage One – Denial

Yes, just like the five stages of grief, stage one is denial.

You’re not anti-social, you like people! You aren’t shy; you just get tired around people. You’ve known people who are introverts. They sit off to the side with their nose in a book while the rest of the class plays kickball at recess, that’s not you. Those people are not cut out for leadership, and you are called by God to lead, so surely you can’t be one of those!

Stage Two – Shame

This is the internalized misunderstanding stage. You are starting to realize that you just might be an introvert because you struggle to keep up with your extroverted colleagues. You are starting to realize that you need a lot more quiet time than they do, and now you’re conflicted.

You start believing the lie that something is wrong with you because you don’t fit the extrovert mould. Perhaps you apologize for your quieter presence, or maybe you try to overcompensate. The result? Shame.

Stage Three – Comparison

You watch an extroverted pastor work the room. With a big smile and a loud voice, they move swiftly through the crowd, greeting 20 people in 20 minutes flat. Their conversations are not strained, no long pauses where they can’t seem to think of anything to say.

You start to mentally berate yourself for being such a terrible pastor. Obviously, you believe, the extroverted pastor is far more effective than you are, but you can’t seem to kick yourself hard enough to do it. More shame. More internalized misunderstanding.

Stage Four – Recognition

You start to realize that maybe you are wired differently, but that doesn’t mean that you’re wired to fail. Perhaps you followed an extroverted pastor on a hospital visit. You saw how efficient they were getting in and out of rooms without ever getting their hands or hearts dirty. Popping in and out of rooms, checking off the list and feeling pride at both visiting everyone on the list and getting out of there in record time. (Purely hypothetical, of course.)

And you reflected on that experience and thought, “I would not do it that way. I wanted to sit next to their beds and listen to their hearts. I wanted to pray with them, or simply sit in silence. Soak in the uncomfortable truth that life will end, and though we have the hope of heaven, it still hurts.”

And then you thought, “Maybe I am wired for ministry. Maybe I have strengths that the others don’t.” You learn that deep focus, follow-through, listening well, deep reflection, and deep connection are beautiful gifts.

Stage Five – Ownership

You can finally stop apologizing for being an introvert and own it. In fact, you start to shape your leadership style around this new development. Instead of trying to be everything to everyone, you learn that there is a place for you to thrive. Perhaps it’s behind the scenes. Perhaps it’s alongside a congregant in hospice. Perhaps it’s leading staff or teaching.

I’m not trying to limit what you can do, but I’d like to share some examples of things I enjoy doing. And you’ll find them too, and lean into them. Sure, you may continue to struggle in those obligatory networking times, but you’ll feel less guilt because you can now focus on real connections with a few, rather than a shallow connection with many. You recognize the value that you bring to the table.

Stage Six – Honour

Finally, you no longer simply accept the fact that you are an introverted leader, but you can celebrate that God has wired you this way. You can become the model for others that you never had. Speak life into other introverted leaders, helping them realize that they are not “second-rate” leaders, just different. You can become an advocate and thrive in ministry where you are, as you are.

We’re all on a journey with God. If you are anywhere along this path I’ve laid out, I’d love to hear from you. I’d love to encourage and bless you in your introverted leadership journey!

Well-Defined & Closed-Ended

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One of the worst things you can do to an introverted leader is to tell them, “Just hang out and mingle” or “Just show up and help wherever.” It is like telling them to hit a moving target without even describing what it looks like.

I have been in these situations, and I felt lost. I’ve spoken with other introverted pastors who dread these types of work events. We awkwardly make our way around the room, struggling to make small talk with strangers, or even worse, talk to people who have attended our church for five years, but we’ve never actually conversed! Afterward, we reflect on our failures as foyer flourishers and feel the guilt that we can’t work a room like our extroverted counterparts.

The problem is that extroverted pastors often enjoy the freedom to improvise. They flourish in an environment with a lack of structure. One extroverted pastor I spoke with told me that he doesn’t care if the team is moving in the wrong direction, as long as they are moving.

Most introverted pastors are not wired that way. We like structure. We like well-defined goals. We like closed-ended timelines. We flourish when there is a clear bar to hit.

Extroverts like Jazz

I’m not saying that all extroverts love jazz music, but most of them love the concept. Jazz, to me, seems like a lawless, wild adventure with no beginning and no end. My extroverted friends have shared discomfort with the idea of committing to one way of doing things; they want to be surprised by the outcome.

Introverts like Football

Once again, I’m not saying all introverts like to watch football (though I do love to watch CFL and cheer for my Saskatchewan Roughriders). What I mean is this: football has well-defined boundaries. There is a clock to tell you exactly how much time is left. There is a scoreboard to let you know exactly where you stand in the process of completing your goal. Within those rules, there is a great amount of freedom to be creative… within the rules!

What’s Next?

If you are an introverted pastor, it is ok to get clarification. One of the questions I ask during staff meetings is very simple: “Why?” I don’t want to do things just to do things. Why are we doing them? Are they adding to our ministry or simply adding to our schedule? While extroverts on staff can gain excitement and momentum over an idea, sometimes we need to ask the question if this idea is actually worth doing, or it’s just something to do.

If you are an extroverted leader and you want to set up your introverted staff for success, let them know what the “win” is. What are the agreed-upon goals and desired outcomes? How long are we going to work toward the agreed-upon goal before we evaluate? How does this action promote the overall vision and mission of the organization?

And finally, start and end on time. I schedule my time. I am protective of my free time. I’m purposeful with my work time. It is so discouraging if I am at a meeting on time (which is 10 minutes early) and we hit 15 minutes past the start time, and the leader says, “Let’s just wait a few more minutes for everyone to get here.

Nope. Don’t like that. Why are you dishonouring those who showed up on time in order to honour those who didn’t? Why am I staying late for this meeting, squeezing time out of my next scheduled task, because people are late?

Respecting time respects people. Start on time, end on time, and watch how much more energy your introverted leaders bring to the table.

The Cost of Introversion

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Every day, I wake up with $100 in my wallet. Not literally. However, I generally have a daily allowance of $100. Some days, I may start with only $40 or $50. It’s my energy budget. And just like actual cash, once it’s gone, it’s gone. No overdraft protection. No credit line. When I hit zero, I’m done.

Introverts live with this kind of economy constantly running in the background. Most of us don’t wake up dreading people; we just know every social interaction comes with a cost. Some encounters are steep. Some are a bargain. Some are, frankly, overpriced.

Expensive Interactions

Let me give you a few examples of high-ticket items:

  • Unfamiliar crowds: Walking into a room full of strangers? That’s a $40 cover charge right there.
  • Small talk with no substance: Draining. It might only last 5 minutes, but it’ll set me back $20.
  • Conflict or confrontation: Whether it’s necessary or not, it’s a $50 purchase I can’t return.
  • Being the center of attention: It might look fun. It might even go well. But that applause echoes in an empty wallet.

These aren’t bad things. They’re just costly. And like a budget-conscious shopper, I have to be wise about how often I spend.

Affordable Interactions

Thankfully, not all social encounters come with a heavy price tag.

  • Time with my spouse: Practically free. Sometimes even profitable.
  • A walk with a close friend: $5 well spent, with a return of peace and connection.
  • One-on-one conversations with depth: They might cost $10, but they fill me right back up.
  • Being alone with God: Not a transaction, but a divine deposit. The most important recharge I have.

Why It Matters

This little metaphor isn’t just for fun. It’s a way to explain a reality that introverts live with daily—but often can’t articulate. Most people around us aren’t trying to be draining. They just don’t realize we’re working with a limited supply.

Pastors, leaders, teachers, friends—especially if you’re extroverted—understand this: introverts aren’t anti-social. We’re budgeted. And when we disappear for a while, it’s not because we’re angry, aloof, or depressed. Sometimes we just can’t afford another interaction.

Stewardship, Not Shame

If you’re an introvert, here’s the encouragement: You are not broken. You’re not less spiritual because you don’t thrive in crowds or love every potluck. Steward your energy like a gift. Plan accordingly. Make space to recharge.

And if you’re a church leader? Don’t mistake someone’s silence for disengagement. Their presence might have cost them $80 that day. That quiet teen in the corner? They showed up, and that may have been a bigger act of courage than anything you saw on stage.

Final Thought

We all have different capacities and callings. But we serve the same God, and He knows exactly how much is in our emotional wallets.

And the beautiful thing? When we spend our energy wisely, in love and obedience, He often multiplies the return.

So yes, introversion comes with a cost.

But when it’s spent on what matters, it’s always worth it.

Hi, I’m Josh, and I’m an Introvert

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I’m writing a short post this week because I’m currently at a youth summer camp. I have the honour and privilege of speaking at two camps this summer. This week, I’m sharing God’s Word with a group of junior and senior high students. In August, I’ll speak at another camp for grade six to eight students.

Whenever I spend time with a group that doesn’t know me yet, I make a point to mention, briefly, that I’m an introvert. I don’t make a show of it, and I don’t let it define me. But I do believe it’s an important piece of my introduction.

Why bring it up at all?

Because when I say it out loud, the introverts in the room breathe a little easier. They know they’re being addressed by someone who understands them. They know I won’t force them into awkward hand-holding or hyped-up group exercises just for the sake of noise and energy. They know I’m not about hype. I’m about connection.

Hopefully, that simple comment also takes down a wall between us. Especially in a camp setting, where there’s lots of unstructured time during meals and activities, it opens the door for quieter students to come sit beside me. They know I prefer one-on-one conversation. They know if they sit down, they’ll be heard. They’ll have my full attention. And they’ll find a kindred spirit.

On the other hand, I also want the extroverts to have a little insight into how I operate. Like many introverts, I’ve been told that I “look mad,” “seem miserable,” or worse. Truth is, my face often forgets to look as welcoming as my heart actually is. When I’m deep in thought, my features settle into what I call resting sermon face, not angry, just internally processing the eschatological implications of snack time.

I want students to know that I am here for them. I may not be front and center in the mosh pit during worship (yes, worship at youth camps sometimes does turn into a holy mosh pit), and I might not be the loudest cheerleader during the field games. But that doesn’t mean I’m distant. It just means I might need a little help getting there.

I’m not trying to become more outgoing. I’m trying to bring students into my world, so they know what to expect, and so they know they’re welcome. Yes, there will be times I’m in my room, recharging. But most of the time? I want to be approached. I want to hear their stories. And I want to speak life into them.

Inferiority Complex

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Personal Confession

This past week, I caught myself doing something that surprised me, and maybe you’ve done it too. I started wondering who might replace me in my role as the youth pastor at my church. To clarify, I have no plans nor desire to leave my position, at least not for another 9 years when my youngest daughter graduates. Back to my question: Who would I choose as my replacement? In my mind, the ideal candidate wasn’t someone like me. It was someone gregarious, outgoing, and energetic. Charismatic in all the “hype” ways.

In short, my ideal replacement is my exact opposite.

Adler and the Inferiority Complex

Alfred Adler, one of the foundational voices in modern psychology, coined the term “inferiority complex” to describe the deep-seated feeling of personal inadequacy that drives people to compensate, often by chasing unrealistic ideals or masking their perceived shortcomings

He believed that much of human behaviour is shaped not by past trauma alone, but by how we respond to feeling “less than.” We imagine what we should be like, and when we don’t match that image, we either hide, hustle, or harden.

The Church Loves a Stage Personality

In ministry, it’s easy to form an “ideal pastor” image: someone who is always smiling, high energy, extroverted, and accessible. The glide through crowds. They are amazing storytellers. They never seem drained. The trouble is, when introverted leaders adopt that model as the gold standard, it becomes a silent critique of their own design.

What the Research Says

A study cited in Introverts in the Church found that when people were asked to describe their “ideal self” and “ideal boss,” the majority described extroverted traits, even when they themselves were introverts. Extroverts are viewed as better leaders. This shows a cultural bias toward a “loud equals capable” mentality, even among introverts!

This cultural perception subtly teaches that extroversion is not just preferred, it’s required. Even introverts, like myself, begin to imagine their ideal self as someone louder than they are.

So Why Do We Think Our Opposite Would Be Better?

Because we’ve internalized a model that prizes noise over depth, presence over stillness, charisma over consistency. We’re not just trying to replace ourselves, we’re often trying to redeem ourselves by imagining someone “better.”

What’s the Truth?

The truth is, your opposite might succeed in your role. But they would lead differently, and not necessarily better. The youth ministry doesn’t need a hype machine; it needs someone who is present, thoughtful, deeply rooted, and emotionally available.

That might be exactly what you bring!

Don’t let someone else’s wiring become your measuring stick. Don’t replace yourself in your own mind with a caricature of what leadership should look like.

Lead as you’ve been designed. Not like you’re apologizing

Introvert Leader Summer

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You may already be familiar with the term “hot girl summer.” If not, don’t worry, I’ve got you. Definitions vary depending on who you ask, but in simplest terms, it’s a declaration for single women to live freely and fully during the summer months. While that probably doesn’t describe my target audience, I think there’s a valuable takeaway for us, too.

Let’s call it: Introvert Leader Summer.

What would it look like to purposefully plan your summer to take full advantage of the ministry slow-down and best prepare yourself for the inevitable plunge into September’s chaos of meetings, relaunches, and social overload?

I’ve carefully curated a list for you to consider. Please note: I said consider, not complete. This isn’t a to-do list to weigh down your summer. It’s a gentle nudge toward a healthier mind, body, and soul.

1. Embrace Your Recharge Rhythm

Please. I beg you. Summer is not the time to catch up on everything you ignored all year.

If you’re like me, you have a never-ending to-do list. Cross off one thing, add three more. Rewrite it every week. You know the drill. Summer tempts us to finally “get caught up,” but that’s a trap.

The truly important stuff always gets done. So instead, focus on getting the most out of the summer.

Start small:

  • Go for a walk just to enjoy God’s creation.
  • Read a soul-filling book, not for leadership, but for you.
  • Schedule coffee with someone who refuels you, not because of a crisis, but because it’s life-giving.

2. Reflect on the Past Ministry Season

Grab your journal and a coffee (ideally on a dock, but your porch will do). Spend some time with God and reflect:

  • What drained you this year?
  • Where did you feel alive in ministry?
  • What patterns do you not want to repeat this fall?
  • When were you most encouraged?
  • Bonus: Create a “soul health” graph for the past year.

You don’t need a spiritual spreadsheet, just some honest time with the Lord.

3. Plan for Strategic Quiet Wins

When you give yourself margin to rest, ideas start popping.
That sermon series idea? That outreach plan? That volunteer overhaul? Let the creativity flow—but don’t pressure yourself to complete anything right now.

Jot it down. Let it simmer. Your job this summer isn’t production, it’s preparation.

As you begin to think about fall, plan with margin and meaning, not just logistics.

4. Rediscover Non-Productive Joy

Introverts tend to be intentional; we don’t like wasting energy. But Introvert Leader Summer invites you to enjoy Joy Without Deliverables.

For me, it’s floating down the South Saskatchewan River with my daughters. No tech, no tasks. Just us and the current. It’s three hours of nothing, and it feeds my soul.

What’s your version?

  • Watercolours?
  • Gardening?
  • Paddleboarding?
  • Reading fiction with zero ministry application?

Give yourself permission to enjoy something just because it’s good.

5. Anchor in Spiritual Formation

Let God fill the quiet.

  • Practice Lectio Divina.
  • Try listening prayer.
  • Lay on the grass and thank God for His kindness.
  • Take an extended personal retreat.
  • Slowly re-read a Gospel, not to mine for sermon content, but simply to receive.

This isn’t for performance. It’s about presence.

6. Set Boundaries in Advance

You can say no, even in July.

You don’t have to go to every BBQ. If, like me, you’re speaking at camps this summer, build quiet time into your schedule. Let the camp director know. Find a time when you won’t be missed and recharge. Solitude is not selfish; it’s sustainable.

Protect your time. Give your “yes” sparingly and intentionally.

The Fall Will Come

Fall is coming and with it, the full-court press of ministry life. But don’t let that steal the slow, sacred space of your summer.

This is your one chance each year to step off the front lines for an extended time and tend your soul.

So reconnect: with your family, your God, and yourself.

Let it be your Introvert Leader Summer.

How it Started and How it’s Going

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I receive various responses when I speak with people about introversion and extroversion, especially concerning ministry. Some are encouraging, others… less so. I’ve had people discourage me from “speaking the curse of introversion” over myself. I’ve had people relate to me because someone in their life is “also shy.” While I think most adults in Western society have some basic understanding of personality types, I believe it’s too basic, leaving ample room for misunderstanding.

I’ve taken the MBTI several times throughout my undergraduate and graduate studies. Like many of my fellow students, I skimmed the attributes I’d been assigned just to get a general idea. But I didn’t sit down with the intent to truly grasp the complexities and implications that come with each of these traits.

With that said, allow me to give you a quick history of these personality theories and, hopefully, a more filled-out understanding of introverted personality types.

How It Started

If you paid at least a little attention to personality theory in college, you probably remember hearing about Carl Jung. If you really paid attention, you might recall that Alfred Adler and Sigmund Freud were also key figures in the formation of personality theory.

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist and psychoanalyst, interacted with both Freud and Adler. While Jung listened to their growing psychoanalytic theories, he noticed a stark contrast in their focuses. As Freud and Adler honed in on different sets of data, they formulated almost completely opposite conclusions.

Freud preferred the terms normal and abnormal. As an extrovert, Freud naturally believed that extroverts, those who find gratification in the external world, were “normal.”

“Freud believed introversion indicated an unhealthy self-preoccupation akin to narcissism.”

As I survey Western culture in general, and Western leadership specifically, I think many still view introversion with a similar disdain. As Freud labelled us, “abnormal.”

Adler, on the other hand, was one of us. As an introvert, his theories were more centripetal. Adler’s work centred on the internal struggle to overcome feelings of helplessness, which he termed the inferiority complex. He viewed introverts as creative artists shaping their own lives from the inside out.

Jung, who found himself between these two poles, wasn’t concerned about who was right. Instead, he sought to merge the two perspectives. Unlike his more dichotomous colleagues, Jung did not consider introversion or extroversion to be unhealthy extremes but rather opposite ends of a healthy spectrum. He also didn’t believe everyone is purely one or the other. Both traits exist in each person; one is simply more dominant.

How It’s Going

For many people I speak with, the negative attitude toward introversion still lingers. I don’t think the kind folks at the MBTI helped much. In fact, I think they took a step backward by categorizing people as either introverted or extroverted. We’d be better off viewing it, as Jung did, as a spectrum, something that reveals our preference, not a hard-coded operating system that determines our odds of success or failure in the real world.

Thankfully, there has been a slowly growing respect and understanding of introverted personality types, especially since Susan Cain’s groundbreaking book Quiet in 2012. Others have since written books to encourage introverted Christians. Introverts in the Church by Adam McHugh, Blessed Are the Misfits by Brant Hansen (which also offers great encouragement for neurodivergent believers), and The Introvert Charismatic by Mark Tanner are all worthwhile reads for the introverted among us.

As introverts, we will continue to find solid footing in the church, even in leadership roles. The most important thing any introverted leader can do is learn all they can about themselves. Learn that you are not broken, just built differently. Lean into your strengths. And yes, push yourself just a little out of your comfort zone every day.

But I’ve Never Been an Introvert!

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When I really began to understand what it means to be an introvert, I suggested to my wife that she might also be introverted. I think what she heard me say was, “Perhaps you have a severe condition which makes you a failure as a human being.” Of course, I’m being slightly hyperbolic here. Still, the manner in which she fiercely defended her good name as a true extrovert was an accurate reflection of how many people in Western culture feel about introversion.

I once felt the same way. There’s no way I could be an introvert. Even in my twenties I loved being the center of attention, disliked solitude, and was always up for a spontaneous adventure. How could I be an introvert???

Perhaps you’ve been flirting with the idea of coming out as introverted, but you are afraid of what that might mean for your personal, professional, and social life. Like my wife, it may feel like an awful diagnosis. But I encourage you to explore the possibility and find the freedom to embrace your true self. If you haven’t yet, take the quiz linked on my blog!

Here’s what’s going on.

Personality is More Flexible than You Think

Research indicates that your personality type isn’t truly locked in for women until your mid to late twenties and up to thirty years old for men. Your introversion or extroversion continues to drive your social energy levels increasingly, plateauing between the ages of 40-70.[1] Perhaps, after we hit 75 or 80 years of age, we will all become ambiverts.

The point is this: despite the MBTI’s binary definitions of extroversion or introversion, these personality types exist on a spectrum. It is quite possible that you may not have been extroverted as a younger person as much as you hid your introversion more easily when you were younger.

It is easy to mistake adaptation for identity. Like many young leaders, I adapted my behaviour to meet the expectations of the people around me. Young leaders see that being loud equals leadership; if they can be gregarious, they will be affirmed. Churches, schools, and parents most often praise the socially dominant over the quiet observer. So, we push and stretch ourselves to perform.

Why Define Ourselves by these Labels at all?

Why box ourselves in? What good does it do to define my personality type?

Because there is freedom in self-awareness!

When you finally stop trying to be who everyone else wants you to be and lead as the person God created you to be, you will find greater peace, clarity, and strength. You’ll give yourself permission to rest differently, lead differently, and recharge without guilt.

Even more importantly, you will learn to lead sustainably.

What’s Next?

If you’ve read this and thought, “Maybe I’m forcing myself into something that doesn’t fit,” you’re not alone! According to my research, pastors and leaders hit this realization about five to seven years into ministry.

Here’s what to do next:

  1. Reflect Honestly. Ask yourself, when do I feel most alive in ministry? When do I feel most drained?
  2. Name Your Needs. Don’t wait for someone to guess how to support you. Share your rhythms with trusted colleagues, mentors, and friends.
  3. Give Grace. To yourself and to others. Whether you’re discovering your own wiring or learning someone else’s, remember that introverts and extroverts are both fearfully and wonderfully made.

Want help figuring out where you are on the introvert-extrovert spectrum? Or how to start leading more faithfully as yourself? Reach out. I’ve been there. And I’d love to talk with you about it.

[1] Christian Kandler, “Nature and Nurture in Personality Development: The Case of Neuroticism and Extraversion,” Current Directions in Psychological Science 21 no. 5 (2012), 291, http://pascal-francis.inist.fr/vibad/index.php?action=search&terms=26471745.

The Seven-Year Snitch

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Some introverted pastors burn out.
Others fade.
But many of us just break quietly, somewhere around year seven.

In my doctoral research on introverted pastors, I discovered a striking trend: most introverted church leaders can “pass” as extroverts for about five to seven years before the cracks begin to show. Somewhere along that ministry timeline, the soul snitches on the mask.

It’s not always dramatic; no collapse on stage or tearful resignation. But the joy starts leaking. The spark goes flat. And many begin to ask a haunting question:
“Is there something wrong with me… or am I just not built for this?”

The Extrovert Ideal in Church Culture

Susan Cain, in her groundbreaking book Quiet, coined the term “the extrovert ideal,” the cultural assumption that the best people are bold, loud, assertive, and always “on.” Churches, whether they realize it or not, often reflect this belief.

Scan most church job postings and you’ll see it:

“Outgoing.”
“Energetic.”
“Personable.”
“Visionary leader who thrives in fast-paced team environments.”

It’s no wonder that introverted pastors, many of whom are deeply called, profoundly gifted, and wildly misunderstood, end up exhausted, confused, and silently ashamed for not being more like their extroverted peers.

Why It Takes 5–7 Years to Hit the Wall

There are good reasons the mask holds for a while.

For one, personality continues to settle well into our twenties, especially in men. Young leaders are still shaping their identity, more flexible, more malleable, more eager to meet expectations at any cost.

Second, calling is powerful fuel. You feel summoned by God to lead. You don’t want to disappoint. So you stretch. Smile harder. Talk longer. Attend everything. Become someone people expect you to be.

Until one day, you can’t.

And when the mask slips, it’s not rebellion. It’s honesty.

Talk to Someone Who Gets It

In my interviews with introverted pastors, I asked one question:

“Have you ever talked to anyone about this struggle?”

Every one of them, every single one, said:

“Who would I talk to? No one else gets it.”

This is tragic. Because statistically, nearly half of all pastors probably do get it.

If that’s you, hear me clearly:
You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And you don’t have to be extroverted to be effective.

This is the beginning of an ongoing conversation, and I’d love to hear from you. If you’ve hit the seven-year wall, or you’re afraid you’re getting close, send me a message. Let’s build a space where quiet leaders can finally lead out loud, in their own way.

One Size Does Not Fit All

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One of my daughters has a slight learning challenge, and she is very bright. My wife and I recently met with a team of educators to discuss her progress, and after multiple tests, they have determined that she may have a form of dyslexia; she sometimes jumbles up letters and numbers, making reading comprehension a challenge, as well as making it difficult to do math in her head. Despite her written test scores, they know that she is intelligent because she has developed strategies to work around traditional problem-solving methods. She sees things differently than most children and has learned coping strategies to keep up with her classmates.

A lot of introverted pastors have developed their own coping strategies because they have been told most of their careers that they are not “normal.” The ideal church leader is the extroverted, gregarious, Rah-Rah, lead-the-charge type of pastor. None of those words describe introverted leaders. Yet, we feel an unshakeable call to ministry, so we do our best to become who we are supposed to be.

I have talked to many introverted pastors, and it seems to take five to seven years in ministry for introverted pastors to realize that acting extroverted is not a viable, long-term solution to the problem, so we learn ways of coping. We find ways to fight against our natural grain to be effective ministers of the Gospel, spending most of our vocational lives in ill-fitting clothing.

One of the things that I have learned in the past ten years is that God created me as I am and called me as I am. Does that mean I can pull the introvert card and tell my church that I will take one-on-one coffee meetings with twelve people a year, and the rest of the time will be split between studying in my office for sermons, at home with my family or in the mountains on solo spiritual retreats? Unfortunately, no.

So what does that mean? You and I do not have to become extroverted to be effective. We need to get uncomfortable sometimes, for sure, but we have permission to take a break from the crowds, too. We have permission to get into a twenty-minute conversation after church, even if that means we’ll miss out on twenty short chit-chats to briefly connect on the surface as parishioners stream towards the parking lot before hitting up Applebees (or, in our case, Costco).

You have permission to take a restorative niche when you’re feeling drained. You have permission to be the wet blanket at staff meetings when all the extroverts are brainstorming off the rails, and you see a few minor flaws in their tsunami of ideas. You have permission to slow down staff meetings and create some space to think. Introverts are inner processors; we often get told, “Every time you share, it’s so good, you need to share more.” You can tell them, “If you want me to share more, you need to share a little less. Maybe don’t talk over me when I start sharing an idea.” You have permission to do uncomfortable things.

So, here’s my challenge to you and me. In the next few days, think about your interactions, your work habits, and your energy levels. What are you doing to simply cope? Are you cheating yourself and your family, spending all of your emotional energy in places that aren’t paying dividends? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you aren’t? And then simply reflect, we’re good at that. Reflect on what you can do to make some adjustments so that you are swimming with the current.