The Ideal Self

Dear Introverted Reader,

Be honest with me, do you ever wish that you were more introverted?

Have you ever observed your brother-in-law at a family wedding, wearing his tie on his forehead like a headband, dancing like an absolute fool? Part of you is embarrassed by his absolute void of shame for causing such a scene, but another part of you is envious of his lack of inhibitions, free from liquid courage, no less!

I confess, I believe life would be easier if I were more extroverted.

What’s it like to flit around a room like a butterfly visiting each flower in a field, picking up energy as you go? What’s it like to make a phone call without taking time to get psyched up first and to re-calm afterward? What’s it like to be at a convention and prefer to be in groups of three, introducing yourself and saying three fun facts rather than hiding in a bathroom that’s off-the-beaten-path in sweet solitude?

I’m not saying that I want to be an extrovert, but it would be nice to be able to act more extroverted some of the time. If you can relate to that feeling, you are certainly not alone!

In her book, The Introvert Advantage, Marti Olsen Laney reported a study that had been replicated three times. Both introverts and extroverts were asked whether they would prefer their ideal self to be introverted or extroverted, and which they would prefer in their ideal leader. Both groups preferred their ideal self and their ideal leader to be extroverted.

I’m sure we’d all like to change things about ourselves, but much like our height, there’s not much we can do to cause permanent change. For better or worse, in my conversations with introverted pastors, a quiet pattern emerged: they were able to wear a mask of extroversion for about half a decade, but around that time, something had to give: their health, their joy, or their job. Susan Cain refers to this as the Rubber Band Theory.

When we act in ways that align with our personality preferences, we are like a rubber band at rest. Conversely, when we are required to do things that go against our natural patterns, we are like the rubber band pulled further towards its limits. We are elastic, and we can stretch ourselves, but only so much before we break.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still proud to be an introvert and thankful for the gifts that come with this personality type. We, as introverts, have many gifts to offer the church, and need to be confident in who God has created us to be, but it’s ok to be honest about our struggles too.

If you have spent years stretching yourself thin trying to act like someone you are not, maybe it’s time to let the tension ease. When you minister from your true wiring, you end up offering people something far better than performance, your presence.