In their book, Leading from the Second Chair, Mike Bonem and Roger Patterson pose the question, “Would you rather be right on the issues, or in right relationships?”
While their context is not specific to introverts, I think it’s a valuable question for us to ask.
As introverts, we typically don’t do things we don’t believe in. We are less likely to do something new just to do something new. I have often said, “Of course, my way is the best way. If there were a better way, I would do it that way.” Not that I personally pioneer the best way to do ministry. I carefully weigh all of the options available, consider the pros and cons, and make an unemotional decision that I think is best for the people I serve.
With such careful consideration, introverts often have greater conviction in their decisions than extroverts, who often jump on the boat that excites them the most in the moment. When others are critical of my ministry, it can feel like they are being critical of me because my ministry decisions are incredibly personal. I have thought deeply about the whys and the whats of ministry and can confidently give reasons for everything that we do or don’t do.
As introverted leaders, we think deeply and with purpose, and as a result, we come to our beliefs with strong convictions. These strong convictions come with a deep sense of right and wrong. Partner this with the fact that introverts only need a small group of close friends, and we can understand the nuance behind Bonem and Patterson’s question, “Would you rather be right on the issues, or in right relationships?”
A problem can arise when we care so deeply about being right that we can unintentionally damage the relationships that give voice to our convictions. Influence comes through trust, not simply having a ten-point explanation why we are correct on a certain matter. If people don’t feel like they can trust me, it doesn’t matter how much I am in the right; they won’t follow. But when I invest in relationships, my convictions gain a hearing.
The truth is, being right doesn’t always lead to change. In fact, being right at the wrong time, or in the wrong way, can close doors instead of opening them.
For introverted leaders, the call is not to compromise on conviction, but to continue cultivating good relationships with supervisors, colleagues, and those under our leadership. Our influence flows not only from what we believe but from the trust others have in us.
So maybe the question isn’t simply, “Am I right in this decision?” but “Am I building the kind of relationships that will allow my rightness to bear good fruit?”
The Introverted Pastor 