There’s a good chance you are familiar with the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle, more commonly known as the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
As I was thinking about today’s post, I was thinking about my journey from actively denying my introversion and trying to act like an extrovert to acceptance and even celebration of my personality type.
Why did I deny my type and try to wear the ill-fitting mask of an extrovert? I thought that was the ideal type to be a leader in the church. Because there were few examples of effective introverted church leaders, certainly none that I knew personally and could talk to. Because the majority of the job postings I saw for pastors drew a picture of a gregarious, outgoing, charismatic, endlessly energetic foyer warrior, and I was certainly not him. Because our culture has a long-standing bias toward extroverted leadership, in fact, extroverts in general. In her book, Quiet, Susan Cain calls this the “extrovert ideal.”
So, today I present to you the Smith’s Introverted Acceptance Cycle, the six stages of loving your introverted self.
Stage One – Denial
Yes, just like the five stages of grief, stage one is denial.
You’re not anti-social, you like people! You aren’t shy; you just get tired around people. You’ve known people who are introverts. They sit off to the side with their nose in a book while the rest of the class plays kickball at recess, that’s not you. Those people are not cut out for leadership, and you are called by God to lead, so surely you can’t be one of those!
Stage Two – Shame
This is the internalized misunderstanding stage. You are starting to realize that you just might be an introvert because you struggle to keep up with your extroverted colleagues. You are starting to realize that you need a lot more quiet time than they do, and now you’re conflicted.
You start believing the lie that something is wrong with you because you don’t fit the extrovert mould. Perhaps you apologize for your quieter presence, or maybe you try to overcompensate. The result? Shame.
Stage Three – Comparison
You watch an extroverted pastor work the room. With a big smile and a loud voice, they move swiftly through the crowd, greeting 20 people in 20 minutes flat. Their conversations are not strained, no long pauses where they can’t seem to think of anything to say.
You start to mentally berate yourself for being such a terrible pastor. Obviously, you believe, the extroverted pastor is far more effective than you are, but you can’t seem to kick yourself hard enough to do it. More shame. More internalized misunderstanding.
Stage Four – Recognition
You start to realize that maybe you are wired differently, but that doesn’t mean that you’re wired to fail. Perhaps you followed an extroverted pastor on a hospital visit. You saw how efficient they were getting in and out of rooms without ever getting their hands or hearts dirty. Popping in and out of rooms, checking off the list and feeling pride at both visiting everyone on the list and getting out of there in record time. (Purely hypothetical, of course.)
And you reflected on that experience and thought, “I would not do it that way. I wanted to sit next to their beds and listen to their hearts. I wanted to pray with them, or simply sit in silence. Soak in the uncomfortable truth that life will end, and though we have the hope of heaven, it still hurts.”
And then you thought, “Maybe I am wired for ministry. Maybe I have strengths that the others don’t.” You learn that deep focus, follow-through, listening well, deep reflection, and deep connection are beautiful gifts.
Stage Five – Ownership
You can finally stop apologizing for being an introvert and own it. In fact, you start to shape your leadership style around this new development. Instead of trying to be everything to everyone, you learn that there is a place for you to thrive. Perhaps it’s behind the scenes. Perhaps it’s alongside a congregant in hospice. Perhaps it’s leading staff or teaching.
I’m not trying to limit what you can do, but I’d like to share some examples of things I enjoy doing. And you’ll find them too, and lean into them. Sure, you may continue to struggle in those obligatory networking times, but you’ll feel less guilt because you can now focus on real connections with a few, rather than a shallow connection with many. You recognize the value that you bring to the table.
Stage Six – Honour
Finally, you no longer simply accept the fact that you are an introverted leader, but you can celebrate that God has wired you this way. You can become the model for others that you never had. Speak life into other introverted leaders, helping them realize that they are not “second-rate” leaders, just different. You can become an advocate and thrive in ministry where you are, as you are.
We’re all on a journey with God. If you are anywhere along this path I’ve laid out, I’d love to hear from you. I’d love to encourage and bless you in your introverted leadership journey!
The Introverted Pastor 